Abusive Relationships take many shapes and forms. The most commonly known forms of abuse are verbal and physical but there are other kinds as well. In romantically abusive relationships, usually the abuser yearns to have a sense of control and power in the relationship. Many abusers have similar behavior patterns and characteristic traits that can be recognized as “red flags”. It is highly important to recognize the “red flags” if you feel you might be in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships, no matter what form, can be extremely harmful to a person’s self-esteem, often causing one to question one’s sense of identity. There is also the strong overlapping issue of someone constantly trying to control a  victims thoughts and actions. This results in the abuser punishing the victim are verbally and/or physically abusive.

Some abusers share these traits:

• Charismatic & Charming: It may shock some, but many abuser can at first, come across as very charming and charismatic, both widely attractive features. The abuser usually projects himself/herself as the ideal mate, courting the other individual by showering them with compliments, admiration, even with sentimental gifts. All of these “charming” approaches are smothered onto the person the abuser is trying to court. This can lure any person into starting a romantic relationship if they feel these signs of affection are authentic.

• Manipulative and Controlling: Most abusers use the skills of manipulation and control. Both are innate characteristic traits of abusers. This may possibly be due to the fact that the abuser has often been the victim of abuse. People that have abusive tendencies, usually learned by seeing, hearing or experiencing abuse in their past. This might help us understand certain behaviors of abusers, but absolutely does not excuse it. These behaviors can potentially become dangerous.

Usually a person who is manipulative will control the more “submissive” individual by observing and taking advantage of “weak” and “vulnerable” areas of the other person. For example: ” Your dad left you because you have extreme anger issues and now I have to deal with it, because no one else will”. This is the point when power fuels the dynamic of the relationship into an unhealthy relationship. One person in the relationship obtains more authority which makes them believe they can set the boundaries and place rules as to what is right and wrong in the relationship.  This bias is usually towards themselves. The victim of a master manipulator will either detect these behaviors at first and leave the toxic situation or give the abuser exactly the reaction he/she wants, by giving the abuser the satisfaction of having control.

• Narcissistic: In simple terms, the whole world revolves around a narcissistic person He or she is typically self-absorbed. It is hard to develop meaningful communication with a narcissistic person because the conversations are usually about his or her own feelings and his or her views and his or her interests. Someone who is narcissistic finds it hard entertain opinions other than their own. Thus, they tend to be more close minded than most people.

• Jealous and Aggressive: Many people in abusive relationships don’t realize the abuse; they grow scared or become comfortable in the cycle of abuse, feeling unworthy of their significant other. Jealousy is yet another way for the abuser to take control away from their significant other. Victims will get scrutinized over actions that may cause their partner-the abuser to feel jealous. People in healthy relationships fight and argue too, but abusive/ unhealthy relationships can be filled with words of discouragement and false accusations. What healthy relationships find petty, unhealthy relationships magnify. Insecurity plays a huge part in jealousy by abusers: if the abuser feels that he or she is losing authority and control over their partner they can escalate any situation fast. When the abuser has this feeling of entitlement, most likely because of narcissistic tendencies, it is not uncommon for jealousy to turn into rage that can lead to aggressive physical abuse.

Once a person touches you against your will or even threatens to, don’t ever take it lightly. If you are scared to leave your significant other, call a friend, a therapist or the police and discuss what happened immediately. Keep in mind that verbal abuse is no better than physical abuse; they both can intertwine quickly and the outcome could potentially be terrible. Thus, ask a few questions to yourself if you are unsure if you are in an abusive relationship and make sure to seek help as soon as possible.

*Some questions you can ask yourself:

 1.  Do you feel nervous or anxious around your partner?

2.  Does he/she criticize and embarrass you in front of others?

3.  Are you afraid of having a different opinion from that of your partner and voicing it?

4.  Does your partner exhibit jealousy and accuse you of cheating or having an affair?

5.  Does he or she threaten to hit you or harm you in any way?

6. Are you constantly criticized and made to feel that you cant live without your significant other?

Relationships can be extremely complex at time.  Many woman and men stay in abusive relationships because they may feel that staying is their only choice. They may feel controlled by their significant other and scared to leave because of what their significant other might do if they leave. If this is you, get help immediately.

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The Unemployed Partner

In some instances a spouse is unable to get a job creating tension within the marriage regarding financial matters and responsibility to the household. When one partner is unable to work resentment and guilt are often the result. The unemployed partner can develop feelings of worthlessness because he or she can not provide for their family or spouse.

The Stay at Home Parent

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Parenting Issues

Couples that have children are often faced with some stressful and challenging parenting issues. When it comes to parenting issues many couples disagree on the choices they wish to make for their children. When disagreements occur, often conflict and tension within the relationship is the result. Serious issues that test a a marriage include a chronically ill child, a child with learning disabilities, a mentally retarded child, a child with autism, or child’s death. These issues are often devastating to a family and can put stress on a marriage.

Special Education Children:

Maintaining a Healthy Marriage While Raising a Special Education Child

Parents raising a child living with learning disabilities, autistic spectrum disorders, or learning disabilities ( such as ADHD) are confronted with huge challenges regarding the care of their child. These Challenges range from providing the correct medical care to finding the right schools and the right opportunities.

Parents with children living with a disorder find that their entire family is extremely isolated. They begin to be left out of neighborhood functions and as a result lose the powerful connections they once had with friends. The stress of having a multiple handicapped child creates tension within the family and the marital relationship.

Parents may find themselves becoming depressed or grieving for the dreams they once had for their child. When a parent has a special education child he or she may throw him or herself entirely into the lives of their child. The child often becomes the center of his or her world. Another parent may become a workaholic in order to cope. Without balance between family, work and self  parents may find themselves becoming increasingly stressed, anxious, angry or depressed. These feelings have a negative effect on the family and marriage. For couples who find that their marriage is suffering due to the stress of having a child with special needs marriage therapy and family therapy can be helpful. It allows each member of the couple to voice each of his or her concerns and achieve greater balance within their lives.

The Chronically Ill Child:

Parents raising a chronically ill child face overwhelming challenges that often result in martial distress. Parents of an ill child are completely responsible for his or her medical care and thus often devote all of their time to taking care of the child. Often such stress places their relationship with their spouse as their last priority. Couples with a chronically ill child often complain that their partner is emotionally distant, that they are unable to communicate, and intimacy is lost. Many couples focus all of their emotion, energy and time on taking care of their child learning very little time. For maintaining their relationship with their spouse. Family therapy or marriage counseling can help build trust, intimacy and secure attachment in the martial relationship.

The Loss of a Child:

The loss of a child is the most devastating experience a parent can face-and missing the child never goes away. A piece of yourself is lost and, our future is forever changed. The age of the child at the time of death does not lessen the hurt or devastation. It feels completely unnatural for a child to die before his or her parents. When a child passes away the parents are forced to live on. One might think that the loss of a child would bring parents together but more often it causes isolation and distance. Sometimes the distance  increases to such an extent that one or both partners emotionally and sometimes physically seek comfort outside of the relationship. By seeking marriage counseling in a timely fashion couples can deal with the  unfortunate consequences of the death of a child in a healthier, less painful manner.

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